wow. i found that entry. "wave, thou art pretty"

uhm. wait. did i miss something? do you want me to call you a piece of shit?

i wrote this on 5/27/03 and actually much of it is not important in the slightest except for the two quotes i used. the first one is just a point by point (almost a whiteboard) of most of my lived experience in the batshit crazy years. i do not think i was more interesting then. low-grade psychosis in childhood. neat.
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...the nature of the AI TechnoCore which built gateways through space-time and which the Church now fears may not be as dead as was thought; and the nature of what the TechnoCore discovered in the non-space: ‘Lions and Tigers and Bears’ as Aenea say... on the doorstep of a miraculously preserved Fallingwater, the house Frank Lloyd Wright built over a river at Bear Run, Pennsylvania. Lloyd Wright, with his belief in rationalism and the perfectibility of the built environment, and Teilhard de Chardin, for whom human knowledge (ed's note: in other words, i was that human knowledge. yay me. and Taliesin was my imaginary friend. We, together, created a story of lineage = Jesus. i had another soul in me, another companion. i ultimately really did not like that, at all) might one day literally create God...

'Tendrel are signs,' said Rachel. 'Divinations within the shamanistic Buddhist tradition prevalent in this region of the Mountains of Heaven. Dugpas are the . . . well, the word translates literally as 'highest.' The people who dwell at the upper altitudes. They are also the Drukpas, the valley people . . . that is, the lower fissures ... "

so i realize you're not getting the full on nerd sandwich of the post. let me give you an updated version. what is the name of this book? if it's in the states i shall pick it up and read along with you. i have a habit of rereading favorites, so it takes a while for me to actually, you know, branch out. denis johnson has a new book and i am on the fence about it because ONCE AGAIN, it's nominally about the vietnam war and special ops, so i am not so interested, or at least i'll wait until the paperback. one of my favorite lines from on the road is, "we know time." so i am sort of waiting to see if i can get to that voice. d. johnson kind of went all over the place in "already dead" plus he had a scary extra layer of completely lost to the world, rather than engaged, but you know he's discovered higher power, so maybe he has a plan?

i know that backing away from revelations. that's what it feels like, or an odd, unwelcome sense of boredom with them. you just have to wait it thru, i think what's actually happening is that it's grounding you in the other direction, although it feels like total stasis, it's not. it's kind of like mindfulness in that you pay attention to really seemingly random quotidian elements and you're like why? immersion in this stuff is what sent me off to freaking therapy in the first place. i want to think about butterflies.

also? did you know that the old moon question is an old one? like, stonehenge old. there's some geometry to it where the circle is the "unmanifest" and the square is the good old earth and all that implies so it's circling the square or squaring the circle‹ either way it's balancing heaven and earth. bringing those two together. i'm thinking of your curve, or hill and of course glastonbury tor. ha ha.

the friend i was yakking about in the previous post wrote this, and it kept running thru my head, as the storm built and abated outside, as i sat with s. on the little dock, when c. came out to sit with us and the puppy stood guard.

i've abandoned poe. i'm grateful for the vocabulary strengthening, don't get me wrong. and some of his stories? pure juice and mania. i like that. his descriptions. rapture found in little things.

but more often than not, now that i've strayed away from my favorite eight or so stories, i'm finding that i get all insanely built up and then let down. severely. he's all "and this fabulous thing and wow look how resplendent can't forget the paralyzing beauty of it all and what about the grotesqueries many of those and the people good god let's not forget them and then they all died or the ghost came or they lived but not happily every after.

i mean damn dude. get a grip. it's not that serious. i mean. it is. and it's not.

brilliant. just like the lady who wrote it.
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Desire ends in satisfaction. Happy travels to all travelers.