she was home

oh, the detours. when i got out of the water (actually had to be peeled out of the wetsuit. i was shouting with laughter. everything s. said or did was hilarious. and m. was chatting away and s. started giggling too and i was screaming. i was so completely thrilled to have been in the water. so cold. so protected in the wetsuit. wow.) but at any rate i was also completely raked of any physical energy and needed to be helped not so gently out of the warm, very tight suit. you try it. ridiculous. i mean, i was crying with laughter.

we'd had guacamole and chips and s. made a really good tuna fish salad and we just stood around the kitchen counter and talked and drank and ate. i'd walked by their house to see if he was home. the sky was so blue and there were rip tides.

the tiredness took me by surprise afterwards. i'm sure horses feel it after a gallop, i certainly do after riding them. it's just an intense physical burst, and then when it stops there's nothing to do except: sand thru my toes, a man and a dog near the edge of the ocean, a bird there. the fact that i was in the sea being tossed around was the most immediate and hard thing to think about. and then you just become a body, with slow thoughts, if any. and you want, really nothing. except to sit in the sun and let your clothes dry on your skin. blue-lipped, shivering. another walk to sailor's cove later. thru budding groves and high grass. the temperature dropped. nice. i think i wanted a warm roast beef sandwich with some horseradish mayo. and cheese. and thick, black bread. just wearing a tee shirt and some shot old pants.

and of course i thought about energy, but not really. i just felt it. this was the same exhaustion i felt on that hill, when i was young. different. there was no fear, no self that got in the way of anything or any thing. and no effort to get there. you can walk for an hour like that, more. it's like nodding off into the world, and the size and integrity of being. it was good. it was solid. warm. and all of this came later because right then the light was beautiful off the bay.