concerts

yes, i like beer again.

i'm sort of pissed right now, too. a few days ago i sat down to write a story. first, i curled up on the couch and cried. just because. you know, writing. and second, thomas edison decided to come by. besides not thinking that's fair, and that i've just about had enough of bullshit energies having their way with me, (okay now i'm giggling, but it is fucking rude) it's my story after all, like, basically i get it. the gears have shifted again. we're in the midpoint of hell and chaos. no one needs tom edison to shout that shit at them. so there's this thing of awakening. maybe. that's how i feel about that. i don't feel about it. go back to the search for a domestic source of natural rubber...

so i like beer again, but specifically, i like beer with a cigarette on a certain sun-warmed rock in the late afternoon after i'd danced in the cold water, my eyes as empty and green as outer space, heel to toe like a hindu god. scarred and shiny. there's nothing more deliberate than a river.

none of this is "ideas". someone once yelled that at me. that love to me was a sheer filament of ideas, only. what do you say to that? what the fuck are you talking about? is about all i could manage. i thought that was pretty good. there's something sweet in there, i absolutely guarantee you, something real sweet. a thrill of gratitude actually flooded my chest.
a feeling had me. big silence, big firs, ferns patterned in sunlight beneath.

malcolm came over and snuffled my ear. i think all this is possible. this peak instability; the entire system takes on an avalanche of emergent properties. i think that's what i could pore over, again and again, in all these ideas made flesh. all these words. it happens. several acres of old growth. let me tell you why. the temperature during the course of the day was tremendous. no humidity, but deep fire. i broke into a sweat only about 20 feet out from the porch. i'm sure this can happen anywhere, it does in fact. danger, magic, and happy endings. both malcolm and i got hurt that day. he stumbled over some barbed wire, just a nick, and i scrambled on a rock and skinned myself. the half-bright way a puppy feel pain. so we sat by the river, instead. the air smelled of crushed sage and cold water. it's not a mistake of the imagination. and i don't feel one way or another about it. and this heat. it wasn't a drought heat, that crazy dry, almost lifeless temperature. this was the burning ocean of life, of woods, and earth.

and it was my mind that interested me. it had edged into glory. and it was quiet there. s. and i did shrooms up there a couple of years ago. whoa now i'm coming with you and i'm coming with you. oh feel me i'm coming. Patti Smith has started to sing that song again. we were at one concert where she finished and said, "oh i haven't done that one in a long time. i really like it again." it's a great song. anyways, we had fantastic sex, hypnagogic fucking is kind of awesome, patterns and auras and whatnot, edging into other kingdoms, principalities, i'm absolutely sure that linguistic and intervening ages were invented right then. and then we sort of rolled over and watched malcolm. his fur was gorgeous, you know that amber color he is? oh my god. his being-ness was all concerts and autumn breezes and sun, his color was himself, initiatory life pulsed in him, in total fidelity to him. so beautiful, i mean it was so good. i just cried. we lay on the bed with him and watched the light turn from mid-afternoon to dusk. we filled that day so sweetly.

if awakening is anything it might be close to apocalypse. i mean, closer to what the root word is, which is revelation, to reveal. and i guess, i can't find the definition, but people have used awakening. to illuminate. maybe disclosure, not sure. certainly prophecy.

and there are moments when that doesn't apply at all. it means fidelity to reality, the real. and sometimes the mind and heart comply, and sometimes not. that's up to you. a mercenary, a soldier. either way, stay in the light. living proof. i am your answer i am living.