in the landscape of spring there is neither better or worse

hi w. i just spent the last week in hospitals for one love and another. s. is fine after really a couple of years of worry and stress. but god. those first few seconds of consultation after and right before the physician starts speaking. you read a face. anyways, we know what it is now and it can be handled. i think she liked the morphine (i sure did!). she was cute. i almost grabbed the cab driver by the collar and said make sure she gets home, but she insisted i go back to work. i think i shouldn't have either tuesday or the last two days.

tonight i was forced to leave my cat, t, at the animal medical center/emergency room over on 62nd and FDR overnight. he almost died: that's what the vet said and then she said something about potassium levels and i said IS HE ALRIGHT and that startled her out of whatever clinical coma and she said OH YES and became human. horrible. over 2 days he just deteriorated so fast, i was in at one vet one morning and he was bouncing around and charming everyone then it turned the next day and he was deadweight and growling, in a lot of pain. apparently blockages happen like that, really fast. so i threw us both in a cab. the cab driver had a pet goat back in bangladesh so we talked about that and what goat's milk taste like and he let me have a cig. i do not like emergency rooms, who does. then, i hated the vet on principle in the emergency room when she said i had to leave him there for the night after she grabbed him away from me, but you have to be nice because they are taking care of your baby, and there's nothing that you can do otherwise because, clearly, you are not a fucking vet. they want to keep him all catheterised and blood work and whatnot for 3 days but i am going to transfer him back to my vet who i called on the pager. you're supposed to only do that in dire circumstances so i did it. i had a slice of pizza on my walk home, and almost threw up. low fog so far east. everybody is alright after this long few days.

there was one night at dick's when we first met, now closed and a wine bar (jesus god i hope not?), we had some such conversation about writing, death and love. and i think, exposure. we always do in one way or another. none of this, all this goddamn care, i guess, is reducible to body chemistry. how about that? we will see each other next week xoxo ps. j. sent this poem back. now i'm going to get shit drunk and drink the rest of this wine.